If you asked me if I ever pictured being where I am today 5 years ago or even a year ago, I would tell you a big no. In the past year, I have journeyed through seasons of which I never ever imagined or would have wanted myself to be in. I have experienced a heartbreak, finding a job only to realise I am not a right fit for the job, shifted from apartment to apartment several times, given a notice that my citizenship may possibly be revoked, was unable to handle some legal issues, failed my driving test twice and several other "failures". I finally felt overwhelmed and was feeling my worse in June this year. I felt like an ultimate failure, I wondered whether my life was of any significance. Everything was not working right. To add on, I felt like God did not care about what I love and that is because by God's grace, I was admitted into a school for further studies only to realise that I did not qualify for the scholarship this year. I really don't know what to do anymore. I felt life crumbling on me.
That was when God had to teach me a very important lesson - surrender. Was God Himself alone enough for me? Do I only love God because of the gifts God gives to me? No doubt, I felt exceptionally loved when God does answer my prayers. But if He doesn't, does that make God any less God? I learnt that in all this God was teaching me that even with everything good that happen in my life, I would still be unfulfilled. I might have learnt this before but with everything crumbling at the same time, I have learnt yet another depth of faith and trust in Him to pull me through and bring me out victorious out of a seemingly hopeless situation. In this season, I learnt to be thankful, to find something to be thankful everyday. Not all is hopeless and I need to learn to redirect my gaze. The first day of thanksgiving in a season of "waiting" was the hardest. Yet somehow, I knew I could give thanks for the food and shelter that I had. Day by day, there were many more things I noticed that I could give thanks to God for. It wasn't and still isn't easy but God made it increasingly joyful for me. In this season, I learnt the piano and am still pursuing it. I am also embarking on a painting project and meeting many friends and people that God wants me to meet or to reach out to or even to be encouraged by. I am constantly finding for myself a new adventure that I could embark on as I wait on God for a job.
What if the whole point of suffering is to bring us back to God in a way that we can never imagine or picture? I might never get the full picture of why I went through what I went through but I know that in all that I am going through God is good and His Love endures forever. His ways are infinitely better than anything we can ever imagine for ourselves. If you are wondering whether God has given me a breakthrough in some areas of my life? He has. In finally finding stability in my house in Singapore and with regards to citizenship, God has conquered and all praises to Him for these victories. For the rest of the matters in my heart that I am still waiting on God to overcome, I rest assured that God knows and loves me and will act in His timing.
I recently read the account of Hannah in 1 and 2 Samuel and realised that Hannah like me had desires and she poured her heart out before God. What was amazing was that after the prayer, she was no longer downcast about her situation. In fact, her face was radiant. Only God could change our hearts and perspectives and help us gain joy in a season or situation that seem hopeless. Hannah desired a child and God being the gracious and loving God that He is did gave her Samuel and not just Samuel but 3 more sons and 2 more daughters. God is good, may I never ever forget that.
"She said, “May your servant find favor in your eyes.” Then she went her way and ate something, and her face was no longer downcast." - 1 Samuel 1:18 (NIV)
"“Think well of me—and pray for me!” she said, and went her way. Then she ate heartily, her face radiant." - 1 Samuel 1:18 (MSG)
0 comments:
Post a Comment