I am indeed a little surprised and perplexed as to why God brought me close and vulnerable to Him through the area of Marriage. I honestly wish that I wouldn't have to go through this until I meet him, with him being my future husband if that is indeed God's plan. I secretly wish that if I were to draw closer to the Lord more and more intimately, I will never have to struggle with the issue of love for the other gender. I know it is foolish to think this way and I know it is not in the Lord's best interest that I never think about marriage because today, and very recently, I am thinking about the meaning of Marriage, what it encapsulates and how Marriage is indeed a greater revelation of God and His plan for the world.
I am currently very busy, looking into my Final Year Project with many worries and fears and yet one thing distracts me from this worry, the curiosity towards marriage. I would say this curiosity came at a timely and yet untimely time. For one, I shouldn't be thinking of marriage when all that is ahead is FYP, Job hunting and settling down in a Job. That means to say I am going to go through a major transition, and I highly doubt it is the wisest thing to look into a marriage or a marriage partner at such an energy consuming time though that really does not stop God from working if indeed, He wills for me to meet my future husband. And secondly, the submission date for FYP is really near and I technically could have used my time better not looking into the matter of Marriage and instead use the time to complete my FYP. But once again, the feeling that is really indescribable, somewhere along the lines of curiosity, loneliness and desire is catching up with me so much so that I have to submit all my thoughts and feelings to the Lord before I can go about finishing up what I am supposed to do. You could call all these things, "material for sacrifice" as worded by my favourite author, Elisabeth Elliot.
In the midst of this struggle, I read a book that I bought online recently, titled "The Meaning of Marriage". While I am far from completing the book, I read the chapter that is in direct relation to what I am trying to understand and pondering on - the chapter describing how I can understand marriage as a single and how I can look at marriage and several signs in the identification of a partner whom I would love to work with for the Lord. Two things stood out to me with one being that marriage is the process of working together with another God-fearing person in reaching our glorious future selves. Meaning that God meant for our marriage partners to help us reach our glorious future selves and for us to do the same to our marriage partners. And that paints a beautiful picture of what our marriage is in light of eternity. Marriage in light of eternity is to help each other work towards this future self that God meant for us to be. That weighs a lot more than just starting a family, loving another person and sacrificing and submitting to another person. It meant that God and our future heaven can be seen in the reflection or a glimpse from our earthly marriage and that to me awes me. The fact that I can understand the Father's plans in another dimension bewilders me and got me to be more excited if indeed this is the Father's will. At the same time, I was struck by the fact that therefore I will notice someone and be excited to see what the Lord would be doing in his life if indeed he is walking in the way of the Lord. While he may not be there yet and is working his way to pleasing and serving the Lord and reaching is fully glorious self, I could see the potential that God gives him and will be excited to work alongside him to reach the goals that the Father gives him. If surely, I find this excitement within me, perhaps that person may be a good partner for me in marriage.
Timothy Keller goes on to describing that therefore, with a new outlook of marriage, I will have a new lens to see more than what I used to see in a guy such as physical appearance or personality per sae but I may even see myself seeing other guys whom I used to not find attractive, attractive. It is true to a large extent that as I see people and see things as God sees, things that I use to never yearn for or find attractive are beginning to change. Just today, I saw the fact that I could vocalise and help others understand the view of mine and though they find it amusing and strangely impossible, I believe that if God reveals His plans and His ways to me, He will bless me with someone whom is align with the ways He taught me and I have faith and trust in Him.
Coincidentally, I read a journal I wrote to myself on 7th January speaking of a disinterest in the realm of Love and perhaps it was deemed fit by God (though only a short time later, as it is 22nd January today) that I do think about it now, but now with the lens of the Lord knowing that I am looking forward to learning more about Him whether single, courting or married, in a season of rest or in a season of busyness. May the Lord show me and reveal to me His ways as I continue living the life led by God, worshipping Him and enjoying Him for the rest of my life.
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