As I reach the age of twenty-somethings, I increasingly hear people close to me considering a serious relationship, getting together or getting married. I rejoice with them when I hear such happy news. Inevitably, I begin to think about mine as well. Will I meet someone whom I will love? Or will I have to picture myself growing old as an old grandma in worn out PJs sitting on a rocking chair staring longingly at the window? I won't deny, I hope to never see myself in such a light.
Just like most out there, I have my fair share of crushes and of heartaches, as funny as it sounds. Maybe you even know some of the guys I have ever liked! However, I knew at the bottom of my heart that during those times, I was not ready for a relationship. I was way too immature and I was thinking of a relationship in too much simplicity (where it is only one born out of love for each other). However, I have come to realize that there is so much more than just loving someone when you are in a relationship, there are vulnerabilities, decisions and two person's weaknesses, goals and strengths coming together. It is a lot less about thinking for myself only. Many have come to tell me: "Your decision is not yours anymore, it is a shared decision when you are together." These are not bad at all, but am I ready for them?
I picked up several books when I was younger (maybe 5 years ago and even now), such as Choosing God's Best, When God Writes Your Love Story, Passion and Purity, Kiss Dating Goodbye and Boy Meets Girl. Just like many others, I desire to be with someone else and was really curious about relationships. All the books challenged the notion of dating casually and brought me to an understanding of what dating with a purpose would and could look like. Since then, I believed in dating with the intention of marriage.
A frequent question that is asked is: "But if you do not date him, how would you know if you would like to marry him?". I believe that this is true if my intention is to marry him. But I also believe that I do not need to be together with someone to know him even if I liked him. If that is my only intention when I am dating, I would not need to date to meet that objective. I would think that I can find out more when I am not dating because there is so much more to learn of the person when you see the person in different circumstances, interacting with different people.
Therefore, instead of putting so much time, energy and investment into a relationship I am doubtful and unsure of, I would rather meet and give that much of myself to someone whom I have confidence in spending the rest of my life with. With all these saved up time, energy and investment, I am now able to spend time on things I am passionate on, figuring out my future, serving and loving the people around me and being more deeply grounded in God. As such, there is so much freedom for me to explore currently. I love the ability to make spontaneous decisions and pursue the things I love without any guilt. What I was surprised to know was that I found my satisfaction in God as I pursue different things and I am extremely fulfilled and contented even as a single.
In the meantime, I know that God is preparing me. I used to feel very insecure and am afraid that no one would ever like me for who I am. However, I have been recently learning to love and accept myself for who I am. In a very recent incident, God shed light on the fact that I am overly critical on myself and way too much of a perfectionist on myself. I know that this trait that I have may bring down and hurt the other person in a relationship because of many self-inflicted insecurities and overly high standards I have of myself and hence on my partner. Therefore, I thank God for revealing it to me and for helping me to acknowledge it and to work on it currently.
I do honestly believe I would be able to meet the one I would love to spend the rest of my life with and I think I would know when he comes without deliberately looking for him. And yes, I don't believe that I will be that sad old grandma with worn out PJs sitting on a rocking chair. That's because I think I will at least be sitting on a first class massage chair. Well, I am kidding.
The difference for me in comparison with many others is that I would not be 'waiting' for him. Waiting brings in the idea of an end goal that you are looking towards after the wait. This may cause us to make decisions with the presumption of meeting the special one in mind. I do not want to live my life everyday having such a motivation for I know I want to make my life count and worth living because I believe that my main purpose is to love God and to enjoy Him. Hence, I will continue living my everyday spending time and making the most out of what is given to me in this season just as what I have mentioned earlier - and the next stop is internship.
"Until the will and the affections are brought under the authority of Christ, we have not begun to understand, let alone to accept, His Lordship. The Cross, as it enters the love life, will reveal the heart's truth. My heart, I knew, would be forever a lonely hunter unless settled "where true joys are to be found."
-Elizabeth Elliot
0 comments:
Post a Comment