When I was young, I had some serious anger management issues. Expressing anger was the easiest way for me to let out the negative emotions that were building up within me. And I often feel good after having my stand known "loud and clear".
As a result, I often unleash my anger when things don't turn out the way I wanted or when I felt misunderstood at home as I knew that my family members would accept me even though I turn nasty. However, I will never express my anger at my friends for I did not want anybody to be upset with me.
As I grow up, and by God's grace, I knew that something was wrong with the way I reacted back at home. The cycle of what happens always look like this: The expression of anger would result in a fight and after the fight, both parties would be hurt and this would lead to a strained relationship. I realized that I really didn't want the relationship to turn sour or awkward after having lashed my anger at the person. In fact, what I wanted was to really get the person to acknowledge that I was upset with the issue or matter, understand where I was coming from and to finally come up with a resolution with me regarding the matter.
I brought up the issue of anger because I recently expressed it once again to my mum, to my disappointment. I was upset and I could not contain my anger. I felt that she could not understand where I was coming from and wrongly accuse me of something that I have not done. Timing has it that this incident must be in between my most stressful period of the semester. I felt that I deserved the right to be angry.
However, after expressing it, the cycle came back, none of us felt happy and our relationship was strained. That, was not what I wanted to happen. I felt extremely guilty and I am currently working on settling it but at the same time, I was worried as I cannot guarantee that I would be able to control my anger the next time a similar situation happened with my mum. I felt trapped in my own sin. It felt terrible. I also thought to myself if I cannot manage my anger now, what makes me think I can manage my anger when I start a family in the future.
God is absolutely perfect in His timing. Just when I thought about my own anger and anxiousness, He brought me to a video on Youtube that addressed just that: Michelle's Take: Keeping Calm | 19 Kids and Counting.
This lady, Michelle, is amazing. I have watched some of the videos from her family and I am fascinated by how she can be so mild-tempered bringing up 19 children. I am so sure that if I were her, I would totally be able to organize a screaming competition at home. She speaks in the video of the time when God broke her heart and impressed in her heart one point: "A soft answer turns away wrath".
She recalled that when God brought her to understand that, she was crying with tears in her eyes, in front of her children, saying: "I want you children to know that mummy loves you and I really am a nice person and I don't want you to think that I am this mean mummy that is always complaining ... or raising my voice... when I am mummy-ing you". She spoke the words that I would have wanted to say in my heart and out loud, that I was not a mean person and I loved whoever I am speaking to (even in the times that I get angry), including my mum whom I have expressed my anger to.
Michelle goes on to say: "By God's grace right now, today, I am asking God to help me to have a soft answer and I want you all to help mummy, keep me accountable. If you see mummy getting upset or raising my voice, I give you permission to come up to me and a hand on my arm and say, 'Mummy, I think you are getting angry.'"
I think I have found what I needed to answer my worries on my constant anger. I pray that God will help me to have a soft answer too whenever I get angry and I pray that God will use the people around me, including you, who may have read the blog post, to gently and lovingly remind me whenever I get angry.
A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
- Proverbs 15:1
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